My life is just horrible right now...
I was down to my breaking point that I have to neglect myself so bad. I've lied to a few of my dA friends for 3 years. I'm just not sure if they will ever forgive me...
I'm just causing a lot of conflicts to myself and I just keep building them until they are ready crumble. I've already told them the truth and now I still have guilt inside me.
I've been a computer addict ever since Summer 2010... I just can't stop it. I've stayed up and my parents get mad at me. I get really moody whenever my family tells me to get out. I get impatient A LOT... and I pester them.
They want me to stop this bad habit. It's not good for me... and they're right.
I never hang out with my real friends anymore. All of my friends are far apart... away from Philly. My mom really wants me to go out more rather than just stay at home and cause a mess... but I just can't. Not all of my friends have in common with me... I even wonder why the hell I made friends with them in the first place.
My sister... she made it worse.
Yesterday she wanted to used the computer, but I just got carried away and she got mad out of the blue and became the "stronger sister." She told me the most negative and truthful things about me...
At first I want to ignore her and just continue using the computer until she got into my face and she starts ranting.
I feel so pathetic...
I finally got out and then I try to something productive.
About 2 hours later, I talked to my online sister to help me... but then... it didn't work.
I even cry to make myself better, but it wasn't helping. So with that I just remained quiet for a while and I just logged out without saying good bye.
I'm the only cry baby of the family... my sister finds it a disgrace. But who cares anyway... I just agreed to everything what she says.
I'm stubborn!
I'm stupid!
I'm never gonna fulfill my dreams!
I feel so weak... I feel like a slave to her... She would pick on me despite my size. I'm just a sensitive teenager... with a mind of a 5 yr. old!
I have to punish myself.
I won't be seeing you guys much. Sure I can still use the computer, but I don't want to have any interactions with you guys anymore...
I'm sorry...
I've already made good friends on Hatena and dA... and I have to walk away again...
I'll really miss you guys. I really will.
If you guys really care... do something, anything to get me back. I beg of you...
I feel so terrible, sonniku-chan. you're NOT any of those things that they've told you, you're really funny and smart and artistic. People have told me all kinds of bad stuff about me too, and I don't you to hurt the way I do, so I'm just gonna tell you this. I would gladly run all the way to Philidalphia to come and be there for you, and be a friend, but, as the weather stands right now, that's out of the question. But, really, Jenny, Me, and a bunch of other people miss you right now, and when we can see you again, that would make us sooooooooo happy.
ReplyDeleteI hope this helped just a little, and before you go doubting me, it's all 100000000000000000000% true, trust me, I don't lie to friends.
Long awaiting your return,
-Midoiiro